Thursday, March 24, 2011

My new life in LA

I wrote this blog in late 2009 when I first moved out to hollywood>>>>>

True happiness is when you cant sleep bc your reality is better then your dreams.

I'm constantly always writing but I only blog once in awhile on few things I feel I want to share with you guys and the rest of the *world*. I know not EVERYONE is gonna see things how I see em' but I can still try right?.

I'm always pressed for time and dont get much downtime to sit and write things out but for some reason everytime im back in NY something comes over me and relaxes me to get on here and blog..anyways this will be a short and simple one not like my previous blogs..hey, sometimes or most of the time I have alot to say!! Ps..thats why im working on a book that will be out hmm prob a few years.. i dont quite have my ending yet ;)

I spent the day with my family and my close friends.. I got home not to long ago.. I was pretty tired but figured I'd continue with my research and stuff that needs to be taken care of before I get any sleep. Yes im a work-o-holic and yes I always like to have 100 projects going on at once to keep my mind going.. I dont think I will EVER meet anyone in my life who will relate to me on my the WAY my mind thinks.. sometimes I think im weird, sometimes I think im different haha. No one can keep up with me.. not even my managers.. bc no one will understand me more then ME so how can someone manage me better? LOL for example how can someone tell me im this ..or im that? IM STILL TRYING TO FIGURE *ME* out!! im still growing as a person.. when I think or do something..IM THE 1st person to find out..i'll let YOU know.. haha HELLO im my own person. So before anyone else knows..I WILL.. note to self, NOONE WILL EVER MANAGE ME BETTER THEN MYSELF. I PROMISE YOU. I VALUE OTHER OPINIONS BUT I WILL HAVE FINAL CUT..ALWAYS.

I finished up last minute touches on some projects im working on, but im not happy with I replan. Sometimes I wonder why I put trust in other people to try and get things done when I know I could just take more time and do it the end it will pay off to my behalf. I get frustrated bc I feel like I dont have a large enough team of people behind me helping me in this or supporting me. I literally scream. I want to pull my hair out but if I cry..then what? I dont have anyone to wipe my tears, wave a magic wand and make it okay. Im a big girl, everything in my life i've earned I havn't been handed a thing. Not like today's the end its far from it, but in the end im a stronger and more independent person bc of it. At this point of my life things could only get better, im proud of myself.. I think of one year ago from today and I was plotting my way to LA and had no way of getting there and NOT ONE PERSON who supported me. EVERYONE told me it was going to be the biggest mistake of my life. I did what I wanted and what I felt bc thats how I live my life. How can you go through life without taking chances??  im not the crazy one..YOU WHO THINK THAT WAY ARE!!!.. what if I never moved bc I was afraid to fail. How dumb.

Its only been about 6months and I couldnt be more happier with my life and all the opputunities Ive been blessed with. Im somewhat of a perfectionistand a over achieverI want to learn everything! I want to do least one. Im so excited to continue living the life I always wanted to. I have big hopes and expectations. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the present and everything I have going on that I literally need to take a deep breath andSTOP. Like just tonight, I mentally slowed my mind down and relaxxxx..and realize.. actually how far ive come and give myself someeee credit. ..when im in LA its constant WORK WORK WORK its never enough and never good enough.. running here and there. DEADLINES ETC. PRESSURE PRESSURE.. And thats all coming from myself. I dont have to do any of it if I dont want to but I have plans and a deadline so its gotta happen.. and It will one way or another. I mean if you try hard enough eventually..anyone will get it done but not everyone will get it done RIGHT. you feel me?

 Im  hard on myself. Im my biggest critic, no one can tell me something about ME I dont already know. I actually am one of those people who love critism bc I am constantly looking to improve myself for the better and learn from others who know more or know other WayZ.
 Maybe its my fault for being selfish but I think I desserve it. I desserve every penny I make and Every bit of happiness I feel . I admit I dont know what it feels like to be in loveIve simply forgotten. One day im sure that person will come and swipe me off my feet and i'll find more out of life I dont even know im missing right now.. but Life right now is all about  and my goals.  Im dedicated to what I know and devoted to what I believe in... its a sickness im  proud of..its called hardworker =) and no ones gunna stand in my way believe that.

There I did it again I drifted far more then what I originally planned on writing! HEHE.
When all I really wanted to say was I was sitting in this chair earlier doing research as always and I said to myself I should get some sleep!! BUTTT I was so anxious thinking about upcoming projects and things I want to do short term and long.. and just excited about life in general. Is this what being HIGH OFF LIFE means?? ABout waking up tomorrrow and seeing people I havnt seen, about going shopping or just walking around outside on a nice day.. about events coming just soo ahhhhhhhh ashodiahudshodha ANXIOUS!!! you have no idea what this feeling is like..its hard to explain, its like im in love with this lifestyle and like i finally found my match..IM LIKE GOD DAMNNN I think im in love. I cant sleep, I cant eat I just want to screammmm and share it with the world i feel like Tom Cruise on Opera! HAHA i just want to tell someone IM HAPPY! what a achievement..i finally made myself happy.. all by myself haha now if only I can do that 100000000 more times id be great-er.


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